i am here

(when) are you coming back?

i wanted to ask “when” but now i ask

are you? but then i think, thankful that i have

a silent “today” at the end of my

hey, i was born with half of a pair of

handcuffs closed around my wrist, the

other half dangling and i must have

swallowed the key in my sleep as an infant.

i am thankful for the “today” and that i know

if you say no it will be “okay” my monsters are

scared of that word, you know? of okay. so i am over

joyed when they allow me to think it and

i try so hard to not close the other half of

the handcuffs on any one because that is

when they start squirming and i do not like

squirmy things i want all of us to be free

and yet i was born with these handcuffs

dangling from my wrist so i smile and then

i shake in fear of my own claws when

you leave pieces of you behind because then

i know you will have to come back to get them but

when i feel okay i am okay and know

you will come back anyway because

i believe i am a big piece of you that

i will always have with me so you

will come back for that for me

even if not today

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i hate when you ask me about tomorrow

i don’t know who Tomorrow is,

mom, dad, please.

Tomorrow is a shadow and

our flashlights do not shine

can not shine light that far into

places that dark, even though

dad, you are in love with those shadows

imagining you can see what is there, and

mom, you are trying to love those shadows,

imagining you know what they are shadows of, but

we don’t, i know we don’t, i do not like

looking at things i can not see, being

blind when i could choose not to be,

so, please, let me look around at

what is well-lit, what is within reach,

please, let me be Today.

i do not like staring at places i can not see.

i am thankful for the moments

of when you laugh like a child how can you laugh so much like a child that i want to carry that sound around with me in my ears i want to see that image of the dimple on the right side of your cheek every time i close my eyes to remind myself that despite these cages we build around our hearts as we grow, this still exists you still exist in such burning light despite your corners of darkness and i am thankful for the moments of when your arms reach out like safety nets to catch the bits and pieces of fears and doubts that leak out from my overcrowded anxious mind and sing to them even though they are scared of music but your voice feels like blankets and they seek warmth they crave warmth like the warmth of grocery store shopping in pairs and of you letting me borrow your longer limbs to reach places i could never reach before in my shortness and i am thankful for the moments where the monsters in our heads decided to lay down their heads and rest because somehow when i held you and when you held me our hollow throats intertwined and burst out sweet lullabies and so i am so thankful for these fourteen months and counting of counting sheep let the monsters that plague lonely corners sleep let the chirping birds and shared bedsheets remind us how lucky we are to be two is better than one and alive

me in so many pieces i think

i think i am me in pieces not me as whole who is

who is that even which is me which piece is

what i really want do i really want any of

i feel like i am pieced together for many people in

so many pieces so here is my piece for you

you had my biggest piece because you were born to

fit me and the beginnings of your life were fit to

fit the beginnings of mine and you have my biggest piece because i

chose you to fit me and you chose me to fit you for

the rest of it for the most of the rest of other life beginnings

but oh, dear, where do the pieces tear where did one

beginning end and another begin, dear you are so

dear to me everyone is every one every piece of me

and so i want to stay here while also i want to stay with

you and i want to follow you wherever you go and also

i want to follow me but where am i where am i even.

we bought puzzle glue the other day and just now i

thought it would be nice if i could hold me all together and

you or some me could glue it all up so i could look at it in one

piece but i don’t think these pieces would even fit together

so how could we glue them up without making a huge mess

and leaking leaking into the cracks and bends between all of us

all of me