i am here

(when) are you coming back?
i wanted to ask “when” but now i ask
are you? but then i think, thankful that i have
a silent “today” at the end of my
hey, i was born with half of a pair of
handcuffs closed around my wrist, the
other half dangling and i must have
swallowed the key in my sleep as an infant.
i am thankful for the “today” and that i know
if you say no it will be “okay” my monsters are
scared of that word, you know? of okay. so i am over
joyed when they allow me to think it and
i try so hard to not close the other half of
the handcuffs on any one because that is
when they start squirming and i do not like
squirmy things i want all of us to be free
and yet i was born with these handcuffs
dangling from my wrist so i smile and then
i shake in fear of my own claws when
you leave pieces of you behind because then
i know you will have to come back to get them but
when i feel okay i am okay and know
you will come back anyway because
i believe i am a big piece of you that
i will always have with me so you
will come back for that for me
even if not today
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i hate when you ask me about tomorrow

i don’t know who Tomorrow is,
mom, dad, please.
Tomorrow is a shadow and
our flashlights do not shine
can not shine light that far into
places that dark, even though
dad, you are in love with those shadows
imagining you can see what is there, and
mom, you are trying to love those shadows,
imagining you know what they are shadows of, but
we don’t, i know we don’t, i do not like
looking at things i can not see, being
blind when i could choose not to be,
so, please, let me look around at
what is well-lit, what is within reach,
please, let me be Today.
i do not like staring at places i can not see.

i am thankful for the moments

of when you laugh like a child how can you laugh so much like a child that i want to carry that sound around with me in my ears i want to see that image of the dimple on the right side of your cheek every time i close my eyes to remind myself that despite these cages we build around our hearts as we grow, this still exists you still exist in such burning light despite your corners of darkness and i am thankful for the moments of when your arms reach out like safety nets to catch the bits and pieces of fears and doubts that leak out from my overcrowded anxious mind and sing to them even though they are scared of music but your voice feels like blankets and they seek warmth they crave warmth like the warmth of grocery store shopping in pairs and of you letting me borrow your longer limbs to reach places i could never reach before in my shortness and i am thankful for the moments where the monsters in our heads decided to lay down their heads and rest because somehow when i held you and when you held me our hollow throats intertwined and burst out sweet lullabies and so i am so thankful for these fourteen months and counting of counting sheep let the monsters that plague lonely corners sleep let the chirping birds and shared bedsheets remind us how lucky we are to be two is better than one and alive

some code art.

[1] “hello world”
a musical piece made using SuperCollider:
the music: http://rainsharmin.com/code/HelloWorld-f.wav
the code behind it: http://rainsharmin.com/code/helloworld-supercollider.txt
idea behind this: a musical representation of the mash-up of art and technology & the act of (or attempt at?) giving life to something inherently mechanical
> alternate title: if (“i can sing”) == True

[2] “i_have_a_bug_in_my’
a perl poetry piece i wrote last year on battling with ocd:
http://rainsharmin.com/code/i_have_a_bug_in_my.txt
to run: save above file with extension “.pl” instead of “.txt”. in terminal or command prompt, navigate to folder containing the above file, and type “perl i_have_a_bug_in_my.pl“, press enter, follow instructions.