.

does yellow represent fake sunshine or something

i had a wistful dream where my hair turned yellow and i think maybe it was about

the death of the routine we have now as she extends her

contract and he extends our physical distance, maybe colouring

myself yellow is like pretending i am mellow about growing

apart, and ‘we are not apart’ he says, she says, and yes, i know

i know, we are close, we are still close and you are still here i know, but

change is still change and i have never won any awards for my adaptability

but yellow is the sun always rises, yellow is it is what it is so put a smile on your face

because maybe then will have some better days than now, but still, i’ll miss you now

i miss you now

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wings and leaves

leaves may leave but roots are hard to move from

where i am, where you are, i am a tree, i am a nest

and you built me up, i am built up from remnants of

you that you shared with me, little birdies, wings make it so easy

to leave, but i didn’t know even she would fly so far because

bigger nests and brighter skies are out there, somewhere, while

i am only the same old, loved, stems and branches, yes, you are still

loved, she told me, a home is a home even if my wings take me elsewhere,

i will still sing to you as i roam the skies, i will, but me, i shake and try

to raise my leaves as though they are wings and i can leave along with them, but

i cry knowing that i am glued to the ground where i grew around

you, onto you, when you called me home, and while

you stuck onto me like i am a house, i stuck onto you like you

are my heart, and hearts don’t have doors and windows.

so, when you joke around about me being too sticky like honey, but honey,

do you know i have been holding my breath since the first night

you fell asleep among my leaves,

counting down the days until you make like a tree

me in so many pieces i think

i think i am me in pieces not me as whole who is

who is that even which is me which piece is

what i really want do i really want any of

i feel like i am pieced together for many people in

so many pieces so here is my piece for you

you had my biggest piece because you were born to

fit me and the beginnings of your life were fit to

fit the beginnings of mine and you have my biggest piece because i

chose you to fit me and you chose me to fit you for

the rest of it for the most of the rest of other life beginnings

but oh, dear, where do the pieces tear where did one

beginning end and another begin, dear you are so

dear to me everyone is every one every piece of me

and so i want to stay here while also i want to stay with

you and i want to follow you wherever you go and also

i want to follow me but where am i where am i even.

we bought puzzle glue the other day and just now i

thought it would be nice if i could hold me all together and

you or some me could glue it all up so i could look at it in one

piece but i don’t think these pieces would even fit together

so how could we glue them up without making a huge mess

and leaking leaking into the cracks and bends between all of us

all of me

a storm;

a storm grew inside my heart the day our voices intertwined
and made stars fall from the sky.
the storm planted its roots inside my heart, but i mistook
the thunder for heartbeats and the tornado for a spring breeze
and so it grew, and grew, and grew

– excerpt from wip novel “better to have loved”

life

i hope you know

that your smile means more than

just upturned lips on a lost face

it means

life

your smiles are life

and, please, remember

your breath means more than

carbon dioxide escaping your little body

it means

life

your breath is life

so i hope these smiles, these breaths that you see

surrounding you, guiding you

are enough of a reminder that

you

are more than skin and bones, my dear

you are life

yes, you are life

the aftereffects of ocean waves

i stepped on a puddle and drowned
and my head is underwater and i’m looking around
and all i hear are familiar sounds of wind chimes and children so
i sing and pretty bubbles come out of my mouth

infinity.

please don’t leave me. i’m so scared.

silly child. i’ll still be here. we’re all always going to be here.

what do you mean?

answer me this. what do you think we’re made of?

…i don’t know… skin and bones?

haha. that’s just our temporary container. something to hold what we all really are.

and what is that?

energy.

energy?

that’s what we are all made of. energy. and do you know something about energy?

i know nothing about anything.

energy can never be destroyed.

then… where do we go when we’re… gone?

well. energy never disappears. it only transforms.

transforms?

yes. changes form. sometimes, we’re skin and bones. sometimes, we’re balls of air. sometimes, we’re a spring breeze. but we’re still together. all of us. in this one, giant universe. that’s constantly transforming.

but… how can i see you again? how can i talk to you again?

you don’t have to worry about little things like that. the world is so much bigger than all of these little things. what matters is that we are not gone. we are never gone. we’ve simply changed. but we’re all, always together. every little thing that you see. we’re all part of one big, everlasting, ever-transforming, infinity.

including you?

including me. including you. us. we are infinity.

dear dandelion, you are

and i think one of the most beautiful things just might be
spring breezes in the summer
warm breezes in the winter
serendipitous surprises just because
just because you are who you are
and, love, this is all you ever needed to hear
orange lullabies and bedtime stories we still hold dear
and the sparrow chirps back when its babies call
the flowers dance even as the nights they fall 
because someone out there just maybe, really knows
how this story was meant to go, yet
that doesn’t stop us from hoping, holding, making wishes
turning just any other dandelion from weed to wings as
the spring breeze blows even as far north as we are.
and ice-cream and stickers that glow in the dark
and animal hats and cake and wandering stars 
still do sing, truly. so he takes her hand, truly.
and i think this just might be one of the most beautiful things
this life this love this everything in the everyday this
just because you are. you are.

labels. (excerpt from “the art of breaking”)

labels.
as soon as we grow up, we get labelled.
stamped, dated, labelled.
birthdate. time. place. weight. height. worth.
name.
an arbitrary name we have no choice in, yet it becomes
something so intricately woven into everything we do
for (usually) pretty much the rest of our lives

as we grow, we accumulate more and more labels
likes. dislikes.
school. program. skills. talents.
derogatory terms. categorizing terms.
brands we wear, bands we love.

our personalities end up being boxed into these few labels
some others stamp on us. and some we stamp onto ourselves.

and that’s what we become.

enclosed and contained within our own selves,
taped and packed and labelled.

not yet. just now.

aahh, stumbled upon one of my old poems from when i was about fifteen or something~ ^^

---

stop squinting and looking into the far distance
what you can’t see
    you [don’t think] of
look at what you can see
    what’s here with you now
look up at the sky
breathe in the wind
don’t search for meaning [beyond the horizon]
stay in the here.
        look at the now.
no back.
no beyond.
        look up.
                to your feet.
        look to the side.
                beside you.
        at me.
        at us.
        m e y o u
                allofeverything.
        [everything is here.]

yes. im not leaving (yet).
                                not “yet”
                                just “now”
i’m here (for) now
                                what “for”
                                just “now”
in my head
        [i]
think of what i didn’t do yet
                                not “yet”
                                think “now”
i think.
    of what i will be thinking of.
when i go.
                                “will be?”
yes.
                                no.
yes. i will be –
                                no. “will be” is not “now”.
        [am]
i am.
                                you are.
i am staying.
(for) –
                                what “for”.
                                “n o w.”
i am staying beside you.
                                you are here
                                in this
        [content]
                                moment.
                                now.
everything is here.
now.
                                [now].